HOW TO DEAL WITH FEAR AND KEEP IT FROM HOLDING YOU BACK
You and I both know what conventional fear feels like. That pit in your stomach that just won't go away... Tightness in your chest that makes it hard to breathe... The feeling of worry that keeps you up at night... Yes, some fear can be healthy and even keep you safe when you need protection, but what about the fear that lies deeper? The kind of fear that may not even be physically noticeable or the type that's present when there’s no immediate, life threatening event, aka hangry bear not required!
That's the fear I’m talking about... The fear we're not always even aware we have unless we're willing to dive in and take a deeper look. This kind of fear is super sneaky and has the ability to really disrupt our goals, dreams, and ability to function the way in which we'd like! This fear can keep us from staying accountable in working toward our goals, stop us from pursuing our dreams or moving forward in any capacity, keep us stuck in those negative thought patterns that bring us down, and can even cause physical pain and discomfort when it starts manifesting as anxiety!
I mean, it has got to go... But how do we actually make that happen?
Well, let’s start by building a little self-awareness and asking some tough questions in order to get to the bottom of your “Who, What, When, Where and Why” this fear is even around in the first place... Such as, are there areas of your life where you feel unsatisfied? Maybe you've been on and off the “diet and exercise roller coaster” for ages and are exhausted at the idea of trying again? Maybe you're stuck in a job you hate and have always longed to change careers, start your own business, or ask for that promotion you honestly deserve? Maybe you've longed for real adventure, a partner who loves and supports you just as you are, or a tribe who lifts you up? How does it make you feel when you see others around you getting what YOU want? Does it drive you a little nuts and make you wish that was your life too? Do you ever wonder why everyone else is making waves, moving forward in life and getting what they want, but what you want feels impossible or too far out of reach?
Yuppp, I’m with you… I totally get it and have definitely let fear control my life for FAR longer and WAY more often than I would ever like to admit. I mean, I spent a good 10 years in my late teens and 20’s totally crippled by fear and barely living my life at all, not to mention the million-gazillion other times it has stopped me from doing the things I wanted or needed to do! Fear can be a real bitch and can definitely keep you from living the life you've always wanted, so how do you deal with it and actually move forward? The old saying “Feel the fear and do it anyway,” sounds awesome in theory, but how do you actually DO that?
Well, first you have to make peace with your fear… I know, it sounds nuts, but as with all feelings, if you are willing to get uncomfortable enough to let them out, they are more likely to move on, which means, so can you! The more you deny them, hide from them, try to shove them in your closet or even down your digestive system, the more likely your feelings are going to get suppressed. Then they are like sand from that beach trip last year... showing up in places you never thought possible and driving you insane! With fear, it’s the same thing. You have to ACKNOWLEDGE IT first before you can start to deal with it. By making fear your new friend and understanding that in its own crazy little way, it’s just trying to protect you, you can understand it more fully and move through it. Once you and fear are buddies, there are unlimited possibilities for tackling it; however, here are some of my tried and true methods to break it down and get it out of your way, so that you can move onward with your life.
Get specific about exactly what you are afraid of…
Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint at first, especially if digging around in your feels is a new concept or not your favorite thing to do, so please be patient with yourself and take as much time as you need! Try asking yourself some questions, such as “Where does this fear come from?” “When did I start feeling this way?” “Is this fear really mine or is it about what other people may think of me?” “Did someone in my life ever so lovingly pass this fear or negative mindset on to me?” ;)
Ask yourself as many questions as you need in order to get you there, but don't be afraid to get personal! It's just you and yourself, after all, and this is a process...
I like to actually write my fears down in a stream of consciousness manner, versus a formal journal entry, which usually ends up surprising me when I look up and re-read what I’ve written. Often things will come out that I didn't even know were going on in there! This activity can be surprising and highly enlightening... The act of writing is also beneficial because it can slow your brain down long enough to think things through and process them. Writing allows you to truly “let it out” of your body because now it’s on the page, rather than just swimming around in your brain wreaking havoc.
Another one of my favorite options is to talk it out with myself in the car. Although I like to think I don’t really care what other drivers are thinking, it just looks like I’m talking on my phone through the Bluetooth anyway. And besides, I have seen Seattle drivers do way crazier things! Just sayin… A little car chit-chat can really calm you down and is a great method if journaling just isn't your thing. You can also talk to a highly trusted friend or family member and ask them to love on you by just listening to you and letting you verbally process things, versus trying to jump in and provide solutions. We all have those people in our lives who LOVE to be helpful and give advice, so set them up for success by spelling out exactly how you need to be supported in that moment. If you find yourself needing some extra TLC you could also look into meeting with a Coach or Licensed Counselor if you need to work through something that is a bit more intensive.
No matter how you decide to do this, once you know what your fears are about, then you can start to shift your mindset around them.
Ask yourself, “What is the worst case scenario that could happen if the things I’m fearful of, were to really come true?”
Then follow that up with the same question about the best case scenario…
Sometimes when you get really honest about what could happen, it has the potential to give your fear less power over you, therefore minimizing its impact on your life. Especially if the worst case scenario is something you know in your soul you could actually live through and deal with if it were to actually come to fruition! More often than not, we don’t give ourselves enough credit concerning what we're really capable of. Think about all of the things you’ve already been through up until this point! You are stronger, braver, and way more resilient than you think or even know….
Christine Hassler, one of my absolute favorite Life Coaches and Author, often says, “Worry is the imagination used poorly…” Let that marinate for a minute. I mean, seriously, doesn’t that perfectly describe how most of us relate to fear? Why are we so good at catastrophizing situations and making ourselves totally miserable with worry, anxiety, and fear; often over something that hasn’t even happened yet or may never happen… We have to stop and give ourselves a reality check sometimes and the more we practice being mindful by asking questions, the easier this will become. Here's a link to Christine’s Podcast, "Over it and On with it", and I have also included one of my favorite episodes of her's below on handling Fear. She has had such an incredible impact on my personal growth journey and I want everyone I meet to at least know about her in case her words might resonate with you too!
Arm yourself with as much information as possible...
Sometimes diving deep and learning as much as you can about the thing or scenario you're afraid of, can really go a long way in empowering you. We're often afraid of the things that feel new, unknown, and that we just plain don’t know enough about, so the easiest way to tackle that is to get informed! Get really acquainted with your old pal Google, head to your local library, offer to take someone who knows more out to lunch or coffee, and don’t hesitate to get creative with this one! This is a prime opportunity for you to show yourself what you're really made of… Are you really going to let the fear of the unknown take you down? Reclaim your power by getting in there and learning ALL the things! Trust me, this one is SO helpful if you’re an overthinker like me. It will also go a really long way in helping you calm your fears, because once you know what you need to know, then you can formulate a plan and get after it.
Now that we know all the things, it’s time to move the fear out of you so you can move on with your life…
Sometimes the best way to deal with fear is to take action. Chipping away at your fear through doing can help you feel stronger in the face of fear because you aren’t letting it take you down and out of the game! This doesn’t mean you need to use being busy as a distraction or coping mechanism, but rather as a weapon against your fear and anxiety. Make a list of what needs to get done in order to help you reach your goals. If you are actively working towards that thing, it gives your fear a lot less power over you...
If fear has been holding you back for a while, you may need to work on rebuilding trust with yourself again. Think about all of the promises you’ve made with yourself to do this or do that. Promises that were broken because you were afraid of what might happen if you were successful! When we continue to break our promises to ourselves, it sends the message to our brains that we’re not worthy of whatever it is we want or need to be doing. And then if we feel unworthy, why would we even try anymore, which further perpetuates the cycle! Maddening, right?!? So by making a promise and committing to really keeping it or checking off those items on your new To-Do list, you are sending the message that you are ARE WORTHY of that thing you’re doing, are worthy of reaching your goals, are worthy of living your best life, and are worthy of feeling fantastic while doing it! It really is that simple. Make a promise, keep it, rinse and repeat, and watch the magic happen!
Another great way to build self-trust is through trying new things that bring you out of your comfort zone. Now I know what you’re thinking… How in the hell am I supposed to become less scared by putting myself in a situation that is new and scary??? But here’s the thing, the more you become comfortable navigating unknown situations and realizing they often aren’t as scary as you've made them out to be, the more you will be able to develop your self-confidence and self-efficacy. While self-confidence refers to your feelings of your personal self-worth in the world, self-efficacy is the trust that you personally are capable of handling certain tasks and situations that come your way. The more confident and capable you feel you are in your ability to navigate the unknown, the more self-trust you will have in being able to handle those situations that may have felt fearful to you in the past! Also, this is a prime opportunity to fill your “adventure tank,” by trying new things, such as a new class of any kind, an outdoor adventure or day-trip somewhere fun, or even an event you’ve always wanted to go to. When you’re busy living a life that is FULL and that builds you up, you have less time and bandwidth to worry about fear or anything else unhelpful, for that matter…
And lastly, seek to do anything and everything that makes you feel powerful, capable, strong, and resilient. Absorb as many positive and empowering messages you can get your hands on, whether that’s through books, podcasts (see below!), social-media, affirmations posted on your mirror, whatever works for you! The whole goal is to fill your tank with messages telling you YOU CAN in order to crowd out the messages telling you that you can’t... This really does work and is so powerful in changing how you feel about yourself and your capabilities! It’s so easy to have regrets and negative thoughts that stem from the what if’s and could of’s of our past, but instead of getting stuck in that toxic mindset, let that fire fuel your actions moving forward. Think about it… What’s scarier, being fearful while pursuing your goals and your dreams or waking up in the exact same place one day having never achieved them? Remember, change is so freaking hard, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it in the end; and if we truly want to experience REAL change, we have to think and act differently than we have in the past. Fear is a powerful emotion, but don’t let it stop you from chasing your dreams and living the life you’ve always wanted! Get curious, ask for help, and take action in order to propel yourself forward.